Hi everyone,

So here we go again. Due to apparent wide interest in the Keen holiday tales, I have opened the distribution a bit wider this time. So if you are a Keen blog virgin and for some reason don't want to be or just have better things to do, just let me know and I will take you off the list.

Obviously we have all the usual stress associated with obscene amounts of luggage and the challenge of squeezing 12 bags/cases into the car. For regular readers you are probably bored of all that by now. If not please refer to www.maple3.co.uk/blogs and click Florida.  We go for the drop off service at Gatwick. Does anyone else feel a bit uneasy about handing over your car keys to a complete stranger who just happens to be holding a clipboard?

Our destination is Cancun and it will be our first time in Mexico, thanks to direct flights on BA. We feel a bit like Mexico is calling us. Last night at the school Spring concert one of the songs performed by the orchestra was 'Tequila' (with audience participation on cue from the conductor). By the way, this is  a drink that has never before passed my lips, much to the amusement of my work colleagues.  A new experience maybe?  We sit at Gatwick North Terminal and have breakfast at Armadillo, a Mexican eatery which also seems to be staffed by Mexican types. The girl at check in and the guy at the iris enrolment office both say Cancun is fantastic. But the guy describes sitting on a beach watching a procession of weddings taking place on the beach as just so relaxing.  Everyone to his own I suppose. .

Sadly our dash to Dixons to see if they have an iPad is fruitless. Although it is only 7.30am the terminal is heaving and early birds have snapped them up. This is God telling me I don't need one. C'est la vie.

Yes, I am almost fluent in French but my Spanish is a bit limited to 'dos cervezas por favor'. Luckily Sian is a star GCSE candidate so she should be able to help.
Our flight is uneventful but 10 and a half hours in an economy seat is not much fun for anyone and especially not for the toddler in the seat in front of us. His Dad is a 6 foot 6 russian who insists on putting his seat into full recline for most of the trip. I don’t make a fuss and have no trouble seeing the screen about 6 inches from my nose.

I will never again complain about Heathrow or Gatwick airport. We have to wait 20 mins to be towed the last 20m to stand and then disembark into the departures lounge. There are a lot of red faced tourists waiting to get on our plane back to Gatwick  I can only hope that they are looking miserable because it is the end of their holiday and not because of not having had a good time in Mexico.

We follow the queue of passengers through the shops (someone seems to know which way to go) and find more queues at immigration. From there we wait for our baggage and then join yet another queue to have it scanned. Mrs K loses her cool with the guy behind her who keeps ramming his trolley into her ankles.  The wife tries to make light of it which is not helping matters.  Hopefully we won’t be in the same hotel.  Eventually we are outside and in the melee of taxi drivers offering their services. Our man is there, dressed in purple as promised and soon we are on the road in a monster 10 seater.  Someone must have tipped them off about our luggage.

Our driver points out a few sights on the short drive to our resort (Westin Lagunamar). He spends a lot of time talking about the great variety of Mexican food available nearby. Mrs K doesn't have the courage to tell him she doesn't like Mexican food - she hates coriander.  Apparently, while protests are going on in Mexico City, the president is here in Cancun at the Marriott, at a conference.  Yeah, right.  The extra security waves our vehicle through the many checkpoints.  Terrorists and drug barons don’t travel with so much baggage.

As we arrive at the hotel I spot an Apple store across the road. Perhaps God has changed his mind?

That evening we are ready for dinner by 7 (that's 1am UK  time). We go for the Caribbean buffet by the pool with a fairly strong breeze blowing in from the sea. Yes it was horrible. Sian puts her Spanish to use and orders a still water. 5 minutes later a cocktail arrives. Perhaps her Spanish is not that good after all.

Tomorrow, news of our struggle with internet technology and our new friend Hector.

Adios for now

Part 2

This is blog part 2.  Thanks for your messages following part 1.  Wishing MEJ a speedy recovery and special thanks to Ruli for her sympathy on the iPad struggle, though I think the fact that she has bought two is just a bit greedy.

I forgot to mention that on the flight over we had one of those fellow passengers that spend the whole trip coughing – a really nasty chesty one.  At 5am this morning (Friday) we heard the identical cough from the same person in the next room. It was Holly.  Not quite the same as being woken by the sound of crashing waves. Poor girl is suffering so it seems we will be making our customary visit to healthcare on holiday.  So not having quite adjusted yet to the 6 hour time difference and struggling to get back to sleep, Mrs K presented me with two options – study (more on that later) or go to the gym.  We left for the gym. I had a good session and felt really strong but then realised the weights here are in lbs not kilos.

In the past, I was always regarded as a bit of a nerd because my laptop would always travel with me and getting an internet connection would be one of the most important things to make my holiday enjoyable. Sad, yes, but now the whole world has caught up with me. The Keen family arrive in Cancun with no fewer than 11 internet connecting devices. Even Mrs K has a Kindle which she swears by and an iPhone which recently dropped in the kitchen sink - we all suffered for the few days it took for the replacement to arrive.  By the way, I remember many friends and relatives asking me about 10 years ago why I needed the internet. Now those same people cannot be separated from their iPhones. You know who you are.

So we are shown to our room when we arrive. Do we check out the stunning view down the white sand beach? Do we marvel at the huge jacuzzi hot tub in the bathroom. Does Mrs K whoop with delight at the fully equipped kitchen? No, we all check out the hotel complimentary WiFi signal and quickly discover that it is free for a reason. It is non-existent.

So an indignant Mr and Mrs K make our way down to reception to sort it out and we meet our new friend Hector “my passion is movies“. Every Westin staff member has a name badge on which they have to share their passion with complete strangers. “What would be on your badge darling?“, asks Mrs K. “You, of course darling“, I reply. She buys it. Anyway, Hector is quite helpful but this is not going to be straightforward. He will have to do some juggling. The size of the required tip just went up.

Our first full day is a relaxing one. Having forced ourselves to sleep for as long as possible, we have a late huge breakfast in the restaurant (including 2 mimosas for Holly) and then wander down to the pool. If internet is no.1 priority then shade probably gets in there at no. 2. As we have been slouches, all the decent sunbeds have been claimed but more importantly there is no shade. I ask the guy behind the towel desk for an umbrella and he utters the unmentionable Westin word `No`.  I am not impressed. Mrs K (fearing a miserable day) strides over and manages to increase his vocabulary by one to include the word `yes` and I am soon installed on my sunbed with an umbrella and a beer, courtesy of a poor sweating Mexican who had to carry the concrete umbrella stand from the store room. This is how the West was won. Mrs K could have been a major player.

That evening we break the news that we are going to walk to the restaurant.. When Holly has stopped crying we set off - 4 lobsters plus one. Mrs K refuses to go red. She goes straight to brown. We can't find a Red Lobster so we settle for the Outback Steakhouse - going for what we know before we have a chance to check out all the local restaurants on Trip Advisor (you need internet for that)

There is a lot of stuff which I haven't covered ( I am reminded by Mrs K) so at the risk of totally confusing your timeline here goes…………..

On the way to the airport Mrs K has to make the call to the school to let them know Anthony and Sian won't be in due to the fact thay have got ”some sort of virus'. The call starts well but Mrs K remembers halfway through that they will also miss a half day on Thursday too and starts rambling into the answering service that the virus iis so bad she doesn't think they will be in the day after either. She hangs up to raucous laughter in the car. Holly says ”they definitely know you are lying”. The lengths you have to go to.

At airport security, Holly and Sian undergo the most extensive frisk I have ever witnessed from a woman armed with a metal detector rod. The rod goes into places which I can't mention. Apparently both my girls have an unusual amount of metal in their bras. If you know Holly and Sian you will know why. Some would say they were blessed, some would say cursed.

At the hotel we have a personal concierge.  Her name is Kimberley.  On our arrival she accosts us in the lobby and talks at hundred miles an hour with unnatural enthusiasm.  After the flight we struggle to keep up with her and promise to return the next day. Americans are so full on.

Anyway getting back closer to the present, Hector sorted us out with a new room which has good internet signal and also has a stunning view of the resort and the sea. He was well rewarded but said it was pleasure anyway.

Now it is Masters weekend so please be prepared for a blog pause (Westin have thoughtfully provided me with ESPN).  On Monday we are off to Chichen Itsa – one of the wonders of the world.  Hopefully it won’t disappoint. Have a great weekend.

Part 3

Sunday

Saturday will have to be christened “Tequila Saturday”. Our smiley waiter Alberto managed to talk me into having a tequila after our lunch. I didn't take much persuasion having already warmed up with a couple of beers and a cocktail but it wasn't quite the atmosphere that you would associate with a tequila slam. No loud music and no cheering but Holly kept me company and we downed a massive shot. Not sure I get it yet but will have to try it again to see if I missed something.  The rest of the day is a bit of a blur as it is punctuated by more cocktails, beer and wine. But our evening meal is memorable at a Mexican seafood restaurant just down the street. The highlight is the Mayan coffee which our waiter makes at the table, pouring flaming spirits from one jug to another. You had to be there.

The next morning I wake up feeling great and we get to the gym by 8 and I run 4 miles while I watch a rerun of the famous Greg Norman collapse at the Masters. Faldo wins - again. Is Rory mentally stronger than Greg?  If you looked at their body language you might say no but I hope he is.

Prior to the gym we had the important business of securing our sunbeds for the day. A few days ago, when I was awake and out of bed by 630am I could see Hildegard already by the pool laying down towels for her family and taking possession of umbrellas. I don't know if that is her name or even if she is German, but you get the idea. The towel desk doesn't open till 8 so she is clearly not playing by the rules, presumably having got fresh towels on the previous evening. Just not cricket but if you can't beat them, join them.  Yesterday we came down to find one of our towels had been stolen. Mrs K just took one from a nearby bed. I wonder if this could trigger a towel riot especially if Mrs K nabbed Hildegard's towel. But no one is going to mess with Mrs K.

The K family is a bit in the sick ward. Holly is still coughing though not quite as badly and Anthony is feeling a bit under the weather (its that virus that Mrs K told the school about). Also yesterday Mrs K sliced her finger with a sharp knife while cutting from fruit. Her excuse was she isn't used to such sharp knives at home but let’s face it, kitchen accidents are quite a regular occurrence for her. And hey, my sunburn is stinging quite a bit too but please don’t worry - I am fighting through the pain here on my sunbed.

Monday

Last night was a quiet night in. I was feeling a bit numb for Rory but presumably, even with my stiff hamstrings, I feel better than he does today. We are off to Chichen Itsa, one of the wonders of the world. We have booked an excursion on a coach with some trepidation as this will no doubt entail multiple hotel pick ups and frequents stops at tatty gifts shops owned by relatives of the driver (as I have been warned by Dan in Seattle). However the coach seems to fit the description of 'luxury' and we only make two stops before getting on the road on our three hour drive. We stop en route at a gift shop and Mrs K gets her fix, not having had a chance to flourish her credit card yet on holiday. She buys a tortoise made from Obsidian (a sort of volcanic glass) and I get a hat, though it’s not as ridiculous as Anthony's.

On the bus, Carlos, our tour guide resumes his patter. He hasn't stopped for about two hours now and most of the passengers have switched off a long time ago (including the guy in front with the iPad).  The Keen family are typically noisy and have to be shushed frequently. The guide tempts us with a silver pendant claiming that if we buy one we will be supporting several Mayan families. I'm not surprised given the prices. Mrs K says she would prefer a new watch - this is her new 'project'. Hopefully the kitchen project has been shelved.

We finally arrive at Chichen Itsa and Carlos takes us round the amazing monument. As recently as 5 years ago you could climb the 91 steps to the top but some ignorant tourists used the rooms at the top as a urinal and so they had to close it. By the way, 91 steps on 4 sides plus the platform on top makes 365 in total - the temple is a giant calendar. There's more but I don't want to spoil your visit.

It’s quite hot and Sian buys an umbrella to keep the sun off. I recall our visit to the temples in Luxor, Egypt in 2009 when Mrs K had a funny turn and had to lie down on the dusty floor with her legs in the air while Abdul massaged water on her head.  [See http://www.maple3.co.uk/Blogs/EgyptBlog.htm (day 6-7)].

Just as I am thinking that it is nowhere near as hot here, I see Mrs K attending to Sian who is propped against a wall. I am called over just in time to see Sian's eyes roll and her head drop to one side. She goes down like a sack of spuds, the only resistance coming from the fact that her short skirt snags on the wall as she goes down. So there she is, on the ground, skirt up around her waist and one leg tucked underneath her. There is a bit of a commotion. Carlos is on hand to help. Is there a doctor in the house?  No, but luckily we have two nurses in our party and amazingly within about 2 minutes an ambulance turns up and a paramedic is on hand. Sian has about five pairs of hands pouring water over several parts of her body. She is white as a sheet but thankfully comes round quite quickly.  Is she diabetic?  Is she epileptic?  Did she eat this morning?  No, no and yes, quite heartily. 

In case you think I am making this up for the sake of the blog, here is the evidence, photographed by her caring brother Anthony.

She is OK and we get her to her feet, just a bit embarrassed.  But the paramedic seems intent on getting her in the ambulance.  We assure him that she will be fine and set off after our party which by this time has moved on to the next part of the tour.  We catch them up under the shade of a tree where after a few minutes Sian decides to sit down.  In a flash the ambulance is on the scene again just in case she is having a relapse.  You don’t get this on the NHS.  Thankfully there are no more instances and after a good lunch Sian is fine.

On the way home we visit a sink hole (or cenote) and have a quick refreshing swim. 

Tuesday will be a day of rest

Hasta la vista

Part 4

There are some recriminations after Monday's incident at Chichen Itza (or Chicken Pizza as the Yanks call it). First, Sian was not amused at the photo - she now knows how celebrities feel. Also, how come Dad didn't catch her? Well the truth is that I was holding the Nikon. Catching Sian with one hand was a tall order and I couldn't risk the Nikon could I?. I can report however that Sian is fighting fit and showing no ill effects. More than can be said for others however - some more on that later.

On Tuesday morning I am strangely up early again and decide to take on Hildegard at the pool. I am down there with our towels before 7 but she has been and gone and so have several others for that matter - the front row of beds next to the pool and near the bar are all taken. Fortunately the K family has a preferred spot which is a bit away from splashes from the pool and screaming kids (although not too many of those thankfully).

Mrs K and I have a meeting with Severo in which he updates us on the promotions being offered by the Starwood group. His opening line is that he likes my glasses and even tries them on. "I can see the future with those". He then compliments Mrs K on how young she looks to have kids in their twenties. You get the idea.

That evening we go to Senor Frogs which is a very lively bar/restaurant. We are shown to our table by Amy Winehouse. The waiters spend more time dancing on the stage and kissing the female customers than serving food and drinks. Mrs K gets some action. By the quality of the food, maybe the chef is on the stage too. Only Mrs K gets up to boogie and we wonder if they mixed up the alcoholic and non-alcoholic cocktails. I am safely wedged in a booth and to be fair not in the mood. No tequila is consumed.

On the way back Mrs K has to relent to my preference for a bus trip back to the hotel. Its been a while but she survives the experience. My preference is all about making a stand for free markets. Taxi drivers operate a closed shop with very high minimum fares. For a family of 5, the minimum fare is £11 - even for a short hop. Judging by the standard of taxis, a big part of the fare goes to the Government so it is not necessarily the drivers' fault but tourists have to make a stand. The bus fare is £2.50.

On Wednesday we have a marvellous day at a place called Xel ha. It is an aquatic theme park but based in a completely natural setting about 2 hours drive down the coast. Its another early start from the hotel but it means that the kids are swimming with dolphins before 11. Its amazing to watch. We were lucky enough to do this a few years ago in Florida but at the time Anthony (aged 7) opted out - he has been ribbed about it ever since. Afterwards we are shepherded to a room to view the photos and video. How much do you think? $200. Shocking. We will have to make do with my long distance shots from the side of the pen (not with the Nikon sadly).

Next we have a go at snorkelling along the lazy river. We enter the water in amongst some thick trees and reeds. "How deep is that water?", asks Sian. The answer comes back, "Deep". It is a bit chilly too. Along the way, there are a few opportunities to jump off a high rock. Anthony and surprisingly Sian both go for it. Mr K is a bit afraid of heights and after all is getting on a bit. There are also ropes to climb and zip lines to ride. As we swim back across the inlet we see loads of fish and a stingray.

We discover Mrs K's affinity with reptiles is not restricted to tortoises. She is fascinated by iguanas and the creatures are very tamed, coming to within a couple of feet, especially when tempted with food.

Its a fantastic day. We wonder if such a place could remain so relaxing (given the all inclusive food and drink) if it were in the UK. Free Corona beer on tap all day.

That evening we are shattered and yours truly is asleep by 8pm (nothing to do with the Corona). No tequila tasting tonight then.

Next morning, Anthony has swollen hands and a bit of a lumpy rash. It could be the exertions on the ropes at Xel ha but Mrs (Dr) K suspects glandular fever - it fits his other symptoms since we got here. Also Holly and I have bad tummies (no more detail required) so fortunately Thursday is designated a day of rest. The only exertion proves to be Bingo by the pool. Mrs K (after pinching one of my cards) wins. The prize? A bottle of tequila. Yeah!

Anthony visits the hotel doctor (kerching!) and is diagnosed with an infection. Is that $110 worth of diagnosis?

We are now depressingly at the halfway point of our holiday. Where does the time go?

Part 5

On Thursday evening we give in. Anthony has been in a very subdued mood since we arrived, not feeling well at all. But his only enthusiasm has been for a visit to Bubba Gump - Forrest Gump is one of his favourite films. Holly confesses she has never seen the movie. This place is a shrimp-fest. On entering we ask to do the advertised quiz. It turns out to be a few waiters coming to the table and firing questions at us. We suck. The waiters are overly enthusiastic and, given our poor showing in the quiz, resort to asking us about the forthcoming wedding. You just won't believe the interest in it out here. The waiters go as far as walking down the aisle and going through the vows. Let's just say the male waiter is an outgoing and flowery personality.

On Friday, we visit Isla de Mujeres which is a 20 minute ferry ride from Cancun. It's a bit windy and the K family (not being good on boats) are a bit apprehensive - especially Mrs K. We arrive at the ferry port in time for the 10am boat. Holly and I get the day started with a huge Mojito while we are waiting. With no sign of the boat on the horizon there is a 'Ryanair type of gathering' at the gate which we are compelled to join. At least we are under shade. Then we file out onto the jetty. Still no ferry. We then realise that we are queuing for the obligatory photo which we can then buy with a free map and a DVD of Cancun tourist attractions. We pass and my irritation grows as we are forced to wait in the sun. Did the boat captain get lost? When is the boat coming? "Soon, Senor". Eventually it arrives and we join the scramble for seats on the top deck. All queuing conventions are abandoned and we are forced to sit on the 1st deck at the back. Unfortunately we miss the show by the Mexican singers as Mrs K refuses to leave her seat during the crossing, which is a bit choppy.

On the Isla the common form of transport around the island (about 3 miles long and half a mile wide) is a golf cart. We are ambushed by people trying to sell the best golf cart on the island, though of course all of them are exactly the same and have 4 seats not 5. We resolve to squash in but our first attempt doesn't go well. We try various configurations including Sian hanging off the side but it doesn't seem safe. Eventually Sian finds a spot on the baggage shelf at the back - it's a strong one. We head off down to the south of the island (the golf kart speeds along at about 20mph), visit a turtle sanctuary and have a relaxing drink by the lighthouse. I have my second massive cocktail of the day (before midday) and the kids worry I could get pulled over for being drunk in charge of a golf kart. Holly desperately wants to drive but no one thinks that is a good idea. We head off to a place called the Sunset Grill at the north end of the island and have a fabulous lunch before retiring to the beach for the afternoon - more cocktails. The journey back is even rougher and Mrs K is in tears as the boat crashes over the waves.

When we get back to the hotel I am suddenly overcome with an urge to go to the local shopping mall. Yes, you heard right. I discover I have lost a screw from my glasses. I can't see much without them and I'm a bit fed up about it. But then we hear some tragic news from home about someone the kids know from school and it helps to keep things in perspective.

Mrs K accompanies me to the shopping mall (not wanting to miss out on anything) and fortunately we find an optician who can help. Mr K is happy again which is good news for Mrs K in our present location and what follows has to go down as an extremely weak moment for Mr K, but Mrs K is happy. We return from the shops with a screw for me, a Burger King for the kids and an expensive sparkly watch for Mrs K.

While at the pool the K family tend to keep to themselves. On Saturday however a lady next to us strikes up a conversation. She is from Boston and Mrs K says that she always wanted to go there but so far hasn't. The lady mentions she has been to Paris but not London. In unison the K family then describe how much the French hate the English and that we don't like the French very much either. The lady then says she is originally from Canada - oops, she's French Canadian - she doesn't talk to us much after that.

Part 6

Saturday is another day of excessive eating and drinking. An afternoon at the pool bar is rounded off with a meal at a steak restaurant down the street. We all struggle back to the hotel with our food babies, appropriately named Carlos, Hernandez etc.

Next morning, I am feeling slightly less than 100% but mainly because Sian has been up most of the night with a throat problem which makes it hard for her to breathe (she is a bit asthmatic). Our friendly doctor is called again (kerching!) and he helpfully prescribes 3 medicines for us to get at the pharmacy. Note the doctor deals only in hard cash - but either pesos or dollars will do. Our liquidity is a bit depleted and we have to search for a cashpoint. Next will follow a process whereby a UK tourist will be charged a 20% round trip to buy US Dollars and then convert them back to Pesos at the hotel reception. Its the sort of thing which drives me bananas but no one else in the family thinks it's such a big deal so I will spare you the details.

Sunday is a recovery day. Sian has lost her voice - small mercies. Anthony has still got his strange rash but seems to feel a bit better if not a bit washed out. But we take a chance and book for a day at a theme park at Xcaret for the next day. Its a bit like the place we went to last week but its bigger and more of a wildlife reserve. We get picked up by the coach at 8.30am (but its the Mexican 8.30am which means it is closer to 8.45am). After multiple pick ups we arrive at Xcaret and the guide goes off to get the tickets - he will be 2 minutes, apparently. Actually, we already have our tickets for some reason and after 15 minutes of waiting on the coach, our patience has run out. We get off and ask the driver where the meeting place is for the pick up that evening. He either doesn't understand the question, doesn't know or doesn't want to tell us. The tour guide eventually returns. When he sees me waiting impatiently, he tries to break into a run but his heart isn't really in it. We ask him where to meet tonight and he says we will have to wait until he puts everyone's wristbands on. I am seething but we can't take a chance as about 5000 people will all be leaving the park at the same time tonight after the big show. If we can't find the bus, they will go without us. Obviously there is an ulterior motive for this annoying behaviour. He wants us all to follow him to the desks where they will try to sell us extra activities. But as always the K family has a park strategy so we head away from the melee at the dolphin desk.

Our first activity is to swim along an underground river - this is one of the main attractions of the park. We head to the Xcaret PLUS area which is the VIP area for showers, lockers and snorkel hire. When we get there we are disappointed to find that all the other 4995 park guests seem to have opted for the same package - it is a scrum. When we get to the river we tool up. Snorkels, masks, air pipe and ..... life vest. Have you ever tried to swim underwater with a life vest? The river starts off being above ground, about 3m wide. After a short distance we enter a dark tunnel which gets very narrow. We seem to be in amongst a coach load of Japanese and the scene in the tunnel becomes unbearable - think of rats in a sewer pipe or perhaps passengers bailing from the Titanic. Fortunately after a few hundred metres there is an escape exit (for medical emergencies) which the girls take full advantage of. The boys soldier on and once we get past the Japanese, it is slightly better though every few metres there is a photographer which just increases the crush. We are relieved to get out of there. What a disappointment.

Our park strategy is in tatters though I remember that it was the tour guide who recommended we go straight to the river. His tip just shrunk. Fortunately there are a few highlights during the rest of the day including the fantastic all you can eat lunch, watching the feeding of the turtles and the amazing Xcaret show in the evening. This can easily compete with Disney. The two hour show is an explosion of colour, costume and music which illustrates Mexico through the ages. For the second half, Holly and Sian spot that the orchestra have vacated the area which is a bit like a royal box. After Holly fights off a woman for 5 seats, we join them. I am expecting to be turfed out by security but it doesn't happen and we have the best view in the house for the second half, thanks to the girls. Every Mexican folk song is greeted with a roar from the crowd - wow, there are a lot of Mexicans here. I just can't imagine an English crowd cheering in the same way for Rule Britannia and the national anthem. A fantastic show. I have some highlights and will put a compilation on YouTube at some point - once I have finished these happy hour Margaritas.

It is now Easter week and the hotel pool is noticeably busier with more kids and more loud Americans. Makes it hard to concentrate. Despite being on holiday I have tried very hard to keep to my study routine- the gym routine was abandoned some time back. In its wisdom the UK Government has decided that people like me that have been doing a decent job for 25 years (OK, in my opinion) now need to go back to school and get a new qualification. Just imagine if the government decreed that after 25 years we all need to retake our driving tests! It's the same except that in the 15 years since I last took an exam, my capacity to retain information has reduced significantly (that is what a blackberry is for isn't it?). Also I have found that, having gone through the online lessons, the right answer is not necessarily the real life answer and the examiner seems to be obsessed with detail that will make no difference to anyone. Sorry, that's my rant which I have been saving till part 6.

How am I supposed to concentrate? I am diligently studying next to the pool and some sort of fashion show starts right in front of me. Pretty long legged models in high heels parade up and down showing off dresses and swimsuits. Lovely fashions. My laptop battery runs out and my beer goes warm as a result. Terrible.

It’s a windy day which spoils our plans for parasailing for Ant and Sian. But we have booked to go for a day of zip-lines and swimming tomorrow. Mrs K and Miss K have opted for the spa instead. The sea is fantastic though with big waves. Most of the beach is red flagged but we have a small section next to the hotel which is marshalled by a lifeguard. But it looks to me that he hasn't moved from the spot I saw him in when I went for my run along the beach this morning. We take our chances (me and the girls) and the current is so strong you can't stand up in the water. Brilliant.

Just 3 days left now. Arrgh! But Anthony tells us he is done now - he is missing home and someone in particular I think (and it's not Jason or Cosmo)

Watch out ManU, Chelsea haven't given up yet.

Final part

It's Good Friday and our last full day in Mexico. Even the hotel thinks we have been here long enough as the maid knocks at 9 thinking we are checking out today. We are a bit sad that our stay is coming to an end but we hear news of a new arrival in Malta, Jacob - to Daniel and Rachel - many congratulations. We speculated on the name at breakfast this morning and decided it would be Dominic but it sounds like Rachel won on this occasion - not for the last time I bet.

Thanks also to Myriam for the 5am phone call this morning to give us the happy news! This follows a call at 2am the night before from our cleaner who set the house alarm off (Jason was supposed to turn it off for her).

Yesterday Mrs K and I went separate ways. Sian, Ant and I went on an excursion to a place in the jungle where we did some hairy zip lines and jumped into a cenote (sink hole) from a zip line. Mrs K and Holly went to the spa for a massage and some relaxation time. Anthony was the star at the zip lines, going down the 150m lines upside down about 50ft above the jungle floor. He also tried the somersault at the cenote, though he hit the water face first (ouch). He got a T-shirt for his heroics.

On the way back from the massage, Mrs K's taxi somehow takes her straight to the mall. She wants to re-live the sparkly watch experience. Fortunately, things don't go that far but she does return with presents for all the girls - including Mrs K. Nothing for Mr K or Anthony.

Sian gets a new watch because her old one is a bit of an embarrassment. I wonder how long this one will last. Sian is the 'breaker and loser of things'. So far on this trip she has lost two sets of earrings, broken two pairs of sunglasses and allegedly spilt water on Anthony's ipod nano and mobile phone (both now ready for the bin).

The hotel is now very busy. More Americans have descended for the Easter break. Somehow two weeks has passed by without us having a go at para-sailing so Sian and I set off. Holly is our photographer from the beach. I am feeling a bit seasick after the jetski transit and just ten minutes on the boat - it is quite rough. But the para-sailing is fantastic. We can see for miles in either direction along the Cancun coast. White sand and clear blue sea. Amazing.

After that exertion I decide to have a massage in a hut on the beach. For some reason I opt for the full treatment from Georges - he is a big guy with huge fleshy hands. About 5 mins in I realise this is not going to be the type of massage you fall asleep during. I have to concentrate to stifle my cries of pain. "Is that a little too much pressure Senor Keen?". "Yes", I say. "OK". Then he carries on as before. I am thinking I must be quite relaxed and supple after two weeks but he finds painful parts all over. Phew. I look forward to Mrs K's turn this afternoon.

Our friend Alberto brings us some of our last cocktails by the pool. How will Mrs K manage without her boys when we get home? Alberto is our favourite. Nothing is too much trouble. He is saving up to do a degree in Political Science in Mexico City. At least all those tips are going towards something worthwhile. By the way, its official, I have drunk more cocktails on this holiday than in the rest of my life put together. And lots of tequila. The kids are worried I have turned into an alcoholic and accuse me of making inappropriate comments last night after a few late margaritas. Obviously, I wasn't drunk - just happy.

The infinity pool at the hotel

Mrs K on the white sofa

Sian and the swans

Cool dude

Spot the sparkly watch

Shades of brown

Final night out

So that’s about it except for our long flight home. We will miss our view of the Caribbean when we wake up. The girls will miss Oprah. I might miss Tequila. Mrs K will miss Alberto.

Hope you enjoyed our holiday

Bye for now

Jeff